the actor and musician, hates computers, but celebrates items
as the flushing toilet, whitewall tires, pen, paper and face
I am a technophobe,
but... as far as I'm concerned, the Industrial Revolution happened
far too early. Imagine the two Great Wars without steel, rubber,
oil and so on to back them up. Imagine our streets without cars
choking both them and us to death.
Technology is something
that I have always shied away from, and yet I'm eternally grateful
that Thomas Crapper, or whoever, invented the U-Bend water-trap
lavatory. Life without that accommodating convenience doesn't
bear thinking about.
Also, I'm a fervent
fan of the bottle opener, especially the "two in one"
variety that whips the top off a beer and pulls the cork from
a bottle of something delicious.
The telephone has
its limited appeal. Radio, cinema, TV ditto. But computers?
I'm very glad that there are people out there who are attempting
to tame these insidious monsters. People who can whip them into
submission and get them to spit out an airline ticket.
Oh my God, there's
another thing - aeroplanes. They may save you from a long swim,
but whatabout all the other stresses and strains we're subjected
to? Why people include air travel in their holiday plans is
beyond my comprehension.
Over the past 10
or so years, many people have attempted to sell me on the various
virtues of the word processor. What a load of tosh. What's wrong
with a notebook and a ballpoint? Which reminds me of a talk
I heard recently. The Americans needed a ballpoint pen that
would work in space and so they spent several scrillions of
dollars developing one .The Russians solved the same problem
by using a pencil.
If we were pushed
into a corner with a pointy stick and asked to name the most
important breakthrough in man's technological advancement, most
people would cry out "the wheel, the wheel". After
all, that's what they taught us at school, and school's never
wrong. However, if the pointy stick was jabbed in my direction,
it wouldn't be the wheel that got my endorsement, wonderful
though it is, especially with whitewall tires. No, my vote would
be for something that very few of my fellow beings would elevate
above said wheel. I speak not of the microchip, nor of Teflon,
Spandex, or even the carburetor.
And so, without further
ado, ladies and gentlemen, I give you tinted moisturizer, available
in a wide range of skin tones. I won't listen to any arguments.
I don't care about the sextant or even the Spinning Jenny. But,
care I do for the mask of artificial health, and long may it
remain on our shelves at reasonable prices. Shallow? Moi? Heaven
(Medical Records) will be released on 14 February
Interview by Jennifer